By Anna Malanowski

But I Have

We all have someone in our lives that we can’t seem to grasp onto yet at the same exact time can seem to be able to let go of. They’re as hard to capture as the clouds, and once you finally think you may have a hold of them they slip through your fingers like grains of sand. The world is full of these people, and the world is full of people just like us. Those that lay awake at night, dreaming in our full consciousness of the day we might be able to hold onto that person forever. Hoping that one day they might come around, that we might become their type magically. People we have had in our lives since the very beginning, that have been there for us, through our highs and our lows, it is these people that we are oh so grateful to simply for existing. Simply for allowing us to breathe the same air as they do. We all have someone in this world that makes ours spin, and stop; all at the same time. That gives us the very breath we breathe; yet takes it from our lungs. There are those people that make your heart flutter, and stop all at once. They make you feel whole, and broken; never knowing how much they could mean to us.

I can’t begin to tell you how many nights I’ve sat here in the soft glow of my room just contemplating everything, thinking about my next move. I’m 26, I’m a successful business woman, and I can have practically any luxury I want in this world, yet I feel as if such a large piece of myself is missing. It’s not that I’ve detached myself from family, or that I cut ties with my hometown so many years ago; it was the one who kept me hanging on for dear life, to nothing but a thread of hope. I have waited and waited so long for him; seen other guys to try to ease these feelings for him, but they’ve never gone away. I’ve wanted him since before I can remember, he can have any girl he wants in this world, and its disheartening that it’s never been me, I’ve never been the one he’s wanted, and he’s always been the only one I have. I deserve a chance, he’s my best friend, we know everything about each other. I love you’s are exchanged all the time, but he’s never understood how much I meant it. I need him to come see me, I’ve had a week crazier than none other and I want nothing more than to cuddle up next to him and let all of my worries subside. I should just text him.

I’m not supposed to still be so attached to him at this point. I was supposed to let all of this go, put my business first. I can’t help it though. No matter how much my head wants for me to move on and do things the right way and meet a good guy and fall in love and have my happily ever after i deserve all while becoming an amazing business woman; my heart has always, and will always put him first. A thought that I came to terms with years ago that for some reason won’t stop popping up unexpectedly and unwantedly into my life. He’s the only man i have ever loved, and that has been since he was just a boy.

I may as well text him now considering i won’t be able to sleep tonight if i don’t.

“Can you come over tonight?”

“Let me call someone and I’ll be right over, give me 5”

And like that he was on his way to see me. Leaving yet another woman, ditching her and her plans, and her beautiful face and perfect body that she would be oh-so willing to just give to him. I don’t know how or why he does this. So frequently putting his life on hold and putting me first. He’s always cared for me, and I know he loves me. I just wish it could be the way I wanted. But we take the love we can receive in this world, and that which we can’t we pine after until there is no more  life to live.

I have planned this night for such a long time, I’ve had it planned for so long, just hoping and wishing, and now that it’s here I may not be able to follow through. Please, just let this workout. Please.

I’ve never been this nervous to speak to Eli, but tonight is going to be hard. I slip on my most adorable sundress I own, that flatters my bust, and hugs my hips just so. This is his favorite dress on me, He loves it, and takes no time in letting me know so every time i wear it. I leave my soft curls down with no product in just the way he likes it, so that he can play with it while we lay in bed and watch movies.

With that, he walks through the door, just as i’m struggling to zip up my dress. With the most grace any human being could ever have he crosses the room to me.

“Let me help you.” He says it in his low rough voice in my ear, that sends chills up and down my body every time.

“I can handle it myself Eli.”

“Whatever you say,” and with that he pushes my hands away and brushes my long hair to the side and finishes zipping it up for me, “now turn around Ella Bear.”

God I love it when he says that, and I can hardly stand to look up into his green eyes and not want him entirely more that i should. “I could’ve done that myself.”

“I love this dress on you, and yes, however then it would’ve taken longer for you to put it on and we need to talk. Are there any beers in the fridge?”

“When isn’t there? I have to keep a constant supply for you or you’ll drink me out of house and home; what do we need to talk about?

“ I’ll grab the beers, you go put in the movie and i’ll meet you in there in just a minute.”

“Alright,” and as I went to turn around I couldn’t help but feel a bit defeated, I’m going to have to do this all by myself, I hope he takes it well. I begin to walk towards my room mildly grief stricken when a hand catches my arm. Eli spins me around like he always does, and looks at me with those big green eyes I can’t seem to get enough of. A green so deep you get lost in them while it feels like he’s looking into your soul, I’ve always loved that about him; the way his eyes were so passionate, so forgiving and yet fierce all at once.

“ I love you, Ella Bear.”

“I love you too, Eli.”

And he doesn’t know just how deeply his simple words cut me like a knife. A scalpel even, the precision of his love piercing my flesh and burning my soul like a forest fire lit inside of those green eyes of his.

“No, Ella Bear. I mean I really love you, with every piece of me. I have spent my entire life holding this in because I knew you wouldn’t feel the same way, but I can’t take this anymore. I have always and will always be in love with you. It hurts me everyday I have to see you living your life perfectly fine without me. It kills me to know I have to come over here and make sure you look okay so that you can go out with other men, and pursue them while I’ve been here waiting for you. To know that you are getting dressed up and doing your makeup to impress them when everytime you step out of your closet I feel like I can’t breathe. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Everytime I zip up a dress and I’m only inches from your ear it takes all of my willpower to keep from kissing your neck; to keep from pulling you close to me and wrapping myself around you. I wasn’t planning on doing this tonight, or ever, and I understand if you don’t want to see me again, but I can’t keep living like this Ella Bear. There is no one but you, all of these other girls can’t ever make me love them the way i love you. I can’t do this anymore, I love you and I need you; and I know you don’t feel the same way.”

His words brought tears to my face, only leaving me reaching out for him to have him pull me in and sob against his shirt.

He pulls me off of him and starts to turn away. It’s time. With my voice cracking, habds and knees shaking it comes out.

“You may not have been planning on it Eli, but I have. Only every day of my life.”

Header photo by Atilla Kefeli (flickr creative commons license)