By: Blair Pott
Little did I know that hearing you yell would not be the only frightening thing I would feel. If only I knew then maybe I would not be sitting here writing this story wanting to believe in a love that is screamed from a mountain top and told far and wide. Maybe then I would’ve remained untouched and innocent instead of made stagnantly aware of a world that is so dark and hard to escape. That loving someone can cost you a version of yourself you hardly knew you had yet make it to where you tell the story so others know they are not alone. We all have a sense to either fight or flight and in this story, I fought to keep something that had died long before I fully admitted to it, however it made me painfully mindful of the fact that amid it all I did not lose sight of what truly mattered…my dreams.
In April of last year, I began to date a man that would soon turn my world upside down…and not in a good way. I met him in the library and the meeting was a little flustering at best but my heart told me to follow him so I did. As I caught up with him we continued to talk and converse about everything from food, to working out, even discussing our majors and future plans. He was going to let me be but I wasn’t having it so I asked for his number. He even went so far as to joke and say, “are you sure you want that?” I smiled sweetly and said of course I do so he obliged and we finally exchanged numbers. Hearing my phone ping with a message from him was the highlight of my day and after conversing for a short time he asked me out. Later on, that evening the facts would only start to not make sense and the feeling of being on cloud nine would be short lived. Following the “best date of my life” I remember recounting all the details to my mom and being so light headed and overwhelmed with all the information I had been swamped with that her looking at me funny hardly phased me; even after saying she would have to ask you for the missing puzzle pieces. Those puzzle pieces would never come and the honeymoon period would hardly last because you would make me cry more times than I can count, ditch me when I needed you most, and neglect my feelings because yours were all that mattered. I had fought so hard and excelled in my academics and now I was beginning to slip because I wanted to make sure we were okay.
In the next few months you would come between my family and I, make me believe I had anxiety and depression while losing my sanity. Abuse me in a way that would take more strength than I ever knew I had, to overcome this obstacle. That strength would take a family vacation and being away from you to see what you were really doing to me. You were changing me into someone I could no longer see as myself. I was living in someone else’s body because I was not living anymore, since that would require feeling something other than pain and heartache.
Coming home from vacation I knew deep down that I was not in love with you anymore but I was still an optimist for whatever reason and pushed ahead. Still believing there was some good left in you I stayed while reeling myself back into my studies earning the honors list for the first time. Ultimately, we would break up because I could not go down that road with you anymore and It was time that I save myself. After walking away and beginning to heal, a friend would come along that would turn into another relationship full of adversity and degradation. The untimely relationship would eventually end in a lot of questions, further trust issues, and the event of him almost raping me after having a few drinks. Through it all I learned more about myself than I can name in this passage and grew even closer to my family then I could ever dream of, because they made me see through all the lies and deception. Even having my love life in shambles, it did not stop me from succeeding. I graduated with honors and made the honors list for the second time because my dreams were never something I was going to give up on.
So, this story is not to seek pity or sympathy or to make anyone feel like they need to pay homage. You could even say that maybe the first go around I called upon myself because I could not let it go but by doing that it made me able to help those that feel so lost and confused in their own relationships. Additionally, this life changing circle of events is the story behind the essence of love and how not all love stories are perfect and end in happily ever after’s like the movies depict instead they can often end tragically. This story is for everyone that feels stuck, afraid, clueless, hurt, and in a situation that you feel you cannot escape from. You can and you will since you are not only a fighter but you will be a survivor and live to tell the tale. So that they can see they are not able to hold a thumb over you any longer, because you have set yourself free to be unstoppable in a world that is often so very cruel.
Photo credit: Bing. Tarpon Springs : funny-pictures.picphotos.net, 10 July 2017.